Oh well…

Normally, random sales are a thing of beauty.  It's always nice to see a store put up several items for sale and it just feels so good whenever my patience in digging for goodies is rewarded with a gem of a find.  However, there are times when things just go so bad, I feel nauseous just thinking about it.  Case in point, an audio CD sale in Galleria.  I was going through the items on sale when I found Junky XL's Radio JXL: A Broadcast From Computer Hell Cabin for only P100!  Unbelievable!  I got that very same CD around March this year for P425!  To make matters worse, I can't find anything else that I would want to buy!  Arrgggghhhh!!!

Payday

I really have to devise a system of jotting down stuff that I intend to write about.  I had so many things going through my head these past few days, but now that I'm in front of the computer it's all blank.  Maybe 'coz it's payday.  That must be it 'coz all I can think of doing right now is to check my ATM.  

Anorexia

I am really sick and tired of anorexics showing up every now and then in tabloid programs and talk shows.  Why are these monumentally stupid people getting air time?  They’re not even really sick!  Anorexia is a made-up term so we’d have something to call these idiots. 

Imagine, having dinner while watching Insider’s report on TomKat’s wedding when all of a sudden, before they go into a commercial, they preview what’s next: anorexic twins.  They look so disgusting that you’d really lose your appetite.  In fact, my theory is that those two can’t eat because they’re so disgusted with each other’s looks.  And they need Dr. Phil for that?  They need a mirror!  George Carlin was right on the money when he discussed Anorexia in one of his acts: “Rich little cunt doesn’t wanna eat?  Fuck her.”

I’m bringing sexy back!

I'm back!  And this time, hopefully for good.  Now that I've put the bar exams behind me, now that I'm finally comfortable with my position and responsibilities as team leader, and finally, after straightening out my new team (most of my agents are now consistent performers), I can finally find the time to blog.  The year 2006 has been a whirlwind for me, with so many things happening all at the same time, and with events overlapping with one another.  But now, I'm finally comfortable with all the changes that happened in my life this year.  So yes, I'm bringing sexy back! 

Ok, I'm not exactly sexy at this point in time.  I haven't been to the gym in months and all that time spent sitting down, reading and eating and preparing for the bar really took its toll.  It's moments like these that make me miss high school.  During those years, I can eat anything and I wouldn't gain a pound.  Today, I finish a milkshake  and my ass bloats like there's no tomorrow.  But I'm ready to take the next step towards the right direction.  I've renewed my membership with Gold's Gym and I go back to the gym tomorrow.  Oh god.  First day at the gym.  This will really hurt the day after. 

Miss

Some friends dragged the girlfriend and I to this bar in Metrowalk called Mugen.  Or was it Nugen?  Oh well, it’s there in Metrowalk so I’m sure you’ve seen it.  I told them I don’t like live bands but they dragged us anyway.  Good thing, there was no band that night, just DJs playing some hip-hop and RnB tunes, which was ok.  But then they switched to house.  

First they played Ever After (I was already screaming “Kill me now!”) and then they followed it up with Dove.  And then Dark Beat.  And then some other ancient house tunes from days gone by.  What did I ever do to deserve such punishment?  Do they even know what year we are in now?  Those tracks have been played to death already, I could’ve sworn my ears were bleeding.  I wanted to run to the car, grab some new house CDs and shove them up their ass.  Better judgment prevailed.  Thankfully, after playing about five or six other extremely classic house tracks, they switched back to playing RnB and hip-hop tunes.  I don’t listen to RnB and hip-hop so the tracks were at least refreshing to me.

On the table right beside us were four girls.  They were just dancing in their seats and drinking beer.  My friend dared me to approach them.  He said he’ll pay for my beer if I can pull it off.  He doesn’t know me that well.  Striking up a conversation with girls in a club?  Hah!  Never been a problem.  So he ended up paying for all my beer.  It was ok with the girlfriend so long as she can see me.  

However, one of the girls was just dancing there in her seat, not minding me or her friends at all.  Yep, she was high.  And oh, how I envied her.  What I wouldn’t give for just one tab.  I really miss those days.

Gone

Another day, another petty argument with the girlfriend.  We argue about the smallest things these days.  I’m just so tired.  Anyway, I’m not gonna dwell on that anymore.  I’d rather not. 

Graduation!

With all the things that has been happening in my life, I sometimes forget that I still haven’t graduated.  Of course, that’s just for formality anyway.  I have not neglected to study for the upcoming exams and I have been doing so for the past two months, at least two hours a day.  I’ll pick up the pace in the months to come, of course.

For me, graduation doesn’t really signify anything.  I wouldn’t be licensed to practice anyway, so what’s the point?  I’d rather celebrate during the oath-taking.  Surprisingly, it seems so important to the people around me.  Like it’s a milestone in my life or something.  I already told my parents that I didn’t want to go and that we’d be saving money by not attending the graduation.  They understand.  But the girlfriend wouldn’t let up.  Eventually I gave in.  It’ll be me and her during graduation, and I must admit that I like the idea.  I’d like to bring my parents along as well but they’re being stubborn about my having a serious relationship.  They don’t like her.  But they never liked anyone I introduced to them.  So instead of creating an issue about this whole graduation thing by bringing opposing parties to the event, I picked the girlfriend.  My parents were there during my college graduation anyway.  And they’ll all be with me during the most important moment, which is the oath-taking.  They’ll all be there and they better get along. 

I finally realized that this graduation isn’t for me.  It’s for the people who love me the most. 

Last one, I swear

This blog is turning into a crime scene that I must constantly hide from the girlfriend.  It’s just my luck that she has the sleuthing skills of Sherlock Holmes.  I want to write and write freely but I’m constantly afraid of being discovered.  If and when she discovers this, I’d be in trouble. 

How will I explain to her that despite the fact that I love her terribly and that she’s the one I intend to spend the rest of my life with, I still can’t help but appreciate the beauty of other girls.  It can’t be that bad.  So long as I don’t act upon it, everything should be ok, right?  But the very notion of me liking other girls infuriates her.  Nevermind the fact that I have no intentions of actually engaging in an affair.  

I hate this.

Oh no!

I’m getting sloppy.  I left traces of my identity in my Gmail account when I created a new account.  And when I opened my work computer, lo and behold, I forgot to clear cache, cookies, and history.  I was still signed in to this account.  Unbelievable.  How could I have been so careless?  I’ve been trying my best to keep this Infracted account hidden and I almost threw it all away with because of Gmail’s auto add system.  I won’t let such slips happen again.  I can’t afford to lose this blog.

Hostel

I’m never going to Eastern Europe.  Ever.  Sure, Hostel is pure fiction but there are a lot more beautiful, not to mention safer, locations in the world where one can spend a vacation.  That and the fact that the story could very well be reality in such an impoverished war-torn country.  

Hostel is humanity at its most cruel, pure and simple.  And it terrifies in such a demeaning way that it sickens the audience not only for the duration of the movie, but even days after.  I cannot count how many times I shifted my weight uncomfortably in my seat while watching the atrocities on the big screen.  Remember how Nic Cage uncomfortably watched the snuff film in 8MM?  That was nothing.

I’ve seen far more worse torture scenes in Japanese cult movies, but those movies were campy at best.  In Hostel, the mood is all too real.  And it terrifies me whenever I think that the entire concept of the movie is indeed possible.  Watch it in the big screen.

More of the same

Until today, when you messaged me on Y!M, I didn’t know how to let you in on this new blog that I started. The usual channels are not secure anymore. Truth is, the girlfriend has access even to my Y!M account and checks it occassionally. So I’m thinking that maybe we should come up with a password so that you’ll know it’s really me. We’ll discuss that some other time.

Like I mentioned, the usual means of communication have been compromised, so much so that I was actually thinking of sending a carrier-pigeon to bring the parchment which contains the caligraphy of the URL of this new blog to you. If for some reason, my identity leaks, I’ll kill myself. Ok, maybe not, but you get the picture. It’s just that it’s as if the girlfriend picked up the sleuthing skills of Sherlocke Holmes. It’s not that I don’t want to tell her how I feel, but I need my space. And there are thoughts that, to me, are too personal to share. I wish she was more like you in that department. I feel that I can tell you anything and I know that you wouldn’t judge me for it.

Still I hesitate at times. You’re not judgmental, true, but what if I feel like writing some lust-filled fantasy that involves me, you, and a bunsen burner? Rest assured, this blog won’t turn into erotica, but it would be fun to have kinky, graphic entries every now and then. I have your permission, yes?

Freedom?

I guess I’m still afraid to admit to myself that I am now free to write even my most personal thoughts. Despite the fact that I know that this blog is now secure, and hopefully will never be found by the girlfriend, I still hesitate. It was such a letdown when she discovered my old blog, since my innermost thoughts were there. She found it at a time when no one knew the writer behind the blog. After the discovery, I felt that it was pointless to keep my anonymity. So what happened? Blogger EBs, of course.

It was all downhill from there. We knew each other now, so we had to be more careful with the things that we write down and publish on the blog. And of course, people could not be helped but be attracted at times, especially since all of us had the same passion for writing. Who am I kidding? Some of the bloggers that I met are hot. I made the mistake of having a sexual relationship with one and I paid for it dearly. I hurt a lot of people, but the one thing I regret is that I hurt my one true love.

I wasn’t thinking of hurting anyone in the process, of course. I didn’t even think of her and maybe that was my mistake. But how can one think of true love when one is overcome by passion and lust? I know I mentioned earlier that having an affair with then was a mistake. Still, I long to have you in arms. The memory us sitting together while hugging you from behind and gently rubbing your thighs is forever etched in my psyche. I still hope for more lust-filled moments with you.

Infracted for the first time

You asked me why I stopped writing.  I didn’t have an answer.  The truth is, I never thought about the blog until that moment when you asked.  I can’t even remember why I stopped blogging.  It’s as if I woke up one morning and there is no blog.  

But there is.  It’s still there.  I’m not going to updated it anymore, but it’ll stay there.  When I’m old and gray, I’ll go back to it and read it.  I’ve writted so many entries about my life.  So many hurtful memories, so many happy memories.  I’ve written entries about you.  

It was once a healthy blog with lots of people eagerly waiting for updates.  

“Were you pressured by your audience?”
“Not at all.”

The truth is, I can’t write without an audience.  I thrive on my audience.  It is their thoughts that keep me going from one entry to the next.  Alas, things got out of hand.  I lost my anonymity and I’ve done things I shouldn’t have.  I lost my freedom.  People who knew me personally found their way into the blog and from then on, I felt censored.  Perhaps that was one reason I stopped.  

I can assure you that it’s not the sole reason.  I have no problems writing about non-personal thoughts.  I could go on and on for months without having to tackle anything about my personal experiences.  But what would be the point?  Yes, I do miss the ability to write freely.  That’s why I started the blog in the first place.  

I really have to thank you, hopefully in person some time soon, for asking the question.  Because I have forgotten.  I have been so busy the past few months trying to make ends meet, that I have forgotten.  And now that I actually took the time to write, I feel great.  I’ve never felt so alive.  I’ve never felt like this since forever.

Thank you so much.